Beneath the Darkness

have you...

2007-09-17T09:45:00.000+08:00

well... well... well... its been awhile since i last wrote to my blog. been busy sorry.

there are many things happened to me this past weeks.. no.... months and i really appreciate it and happy.

first, Lian finally made her dream come true to be a novice at the abbey. (did i spell it right?) yeah, i was lonely when i first heard it, we've become close to each other since i handled their group. talk together, laughed together, sing together and could you imagine we even went in a cave together (not actually just the two of us. it's our chapter's expedition).

second, we tried to made a novel. ahahahaha...but in the end i was the only one who will finished it... haaayyy... but still i want to finish it for her sake and for my sake too.

third there is a guy who profess to me... nyay! ummm... i'm six years older to that guy.... at first i couldn't believe it so i told him don't expect something in return... so he put a distance between the two of us.

but now everything is fine. we're doing fine as much as the two of us is concerned.

fourth a problem occur, family problem rather. i dont want to talk about it not because i am running away. i dont want to talk about it because it isnt proper for me to blog it here but i guess everything starting to go back to normal.

fifth, a revelation occur to our chapter, our chapter head will i dunno if the word is right "migrate" or something like that to singapore. and we are like children who abandoned by their parents.. but according to them someone will adapt us....aawww... but still we need to continue our work.

sixth, we've been busy in our MTV IN THE MAKING.... its so tiring but it's worth it. we are now in film editing stage and im so excited about it!

so many things happen, have you think that these things would be easy for me without my family, friends and God? i dont think so, with these instances, i learn to depend and hope to God that everything will be alright.

have you think that life's burden will ease up if you lifted it up to God, share it with family and circle of trusted friends? now, why not try it?

Try prayer it works

2007-06-05T10:14:00.000+08:00

those are famous lines isnt it? well... it really works in me...

in every thing i've done i alway lift it up to God, i prayed. and hey! it works. i mean i know prayer alone is not enough, you still need to do your part too...

anyway, i've been in a state of confusion. i am confuse how i felt.

you see, there's this boy (yeah boy not a guy) i saw him cute the first thing i've seen him. thats all, but then... a year after, he profess his feelings to me. i was shock of course.

i told him he need to think about things. what if it was only infatuation right? so he think it over.

aarrghh! in short i wasnt aware that i have a crush on him.. hahahahaha...

but oh boy! i still need to pray it over, cause i have so many apprehension. need to think it over before jumping into conclusion.

I lose 2kgs in 5 days...

2007-02-23T12:54:00.000+08:00

yeah... you read it right... within five days i lose two (2) kilos. before my weight is 39 kilos and after 5 days now im 37 kilos....

how i do it?? let me tell you what i've done within five days....

day1:saturday... i woke up 2 in the morning to prepare for my first flight to cagayan de oro... the flight was great (for the first timer).... i met my friends at domestic airport...we arrive at cagayan de oro about 6:45 in the morning... from there i met the person whom my officemate contacted for me....

we travel for more or less four (4) hours from Cagayan de Oro airport to Tubod Lanao Del NOrte...

revo lang po yun.... and 14 kami... imagine... four people in front (including 2 drivers)... then vivs and mike.... in the middle are tzi, hann, deng and lino...

now... at the back.... row sa left bec, shevey and lian... sa harap nila kami... si lea, nenz, at ako...

can you imagine that? hahahahahaha... long drive yun... nagkasya kami.... well... tapos may baggage pa... hehehehe... uummm.. may top load naman... hehehehe...

we check inn at DR Inn... then after that we travel to MCC (Mindanao Civic Center) kung saan ang venue ng ILC namin (INternational Leaders COnference) almost lunch time na when we got there...

in short... we spend our time there... i attended the workshop Deal or No Deal knowing Gods Gift.

nung nasa workshop na ako.... tumawag saken si mike sinabi niya napupunta sila sa DR Inn.. so in short naiwan ako... i thought i was the only one left... but after about two hours i saw lian outside... so the two of us loitter... food trip and other stuffs...

yung iba kong mga kasama is nakatulog at nakaligo pa... pero kami ni lian walang panahong matulog pa...

so in the end of the day we are tired.... i remember i fell asleep for session 3: Lamentations... hahahahahaha....

all of us went back at DR Inn about 2 am... and... naligo na ako para bukas ndi na ako makikipag unahang maligo sa kanila... so is lian...

day2: Woke up around 5am... ginising ko din si lian... kasi aayusin na rin namin ang gamit namin... sasama na namin sa MCC dahil diretso na kaming puntang Bukidnon... so hilamos... toothbrush.. palit damit lang ang ginawa namin... dinala na namin yung mga bag namin... ung bag ko na sinasabi nila na mas malaki pa sa akin hehehehehehehe...

hinahabol kasi namin yung mass e... so nung pagdating namin dun... nagalmusal lang kami sponsored by chowking.. hehehehehe then punta na kaming arena... dahil dun ang mass...

to make it short.. the mass has ended and there are some sharers din.. napaiyak pa nga ako sa isang sharer dun e... ndi ko mapigilan yugn iyak ko...

then we hurriedly get our lunch kasi yung bus e aalis ng 11am... well luckily we got there before 11 am but the bus left aroung 12:30... >_<>

we travel for about 4 hours.. then tambay kami sa SM Cagayan de oro kasi wait pa namin ung sasakyan na magdadala samin sa Bukidnon.. Elf siya and pagaari ni tito chris... bayaw ni tita len.

i dunno kung ilang kami at paano kami nagkasya sa elf e.. pero may revo pa din naman... hehehehehe

we stop at foot bath, del monte bukidnon, the view deck there, GK Sites, and we stop para kumain ng dinner... we arrived at valencia around.... 12am... then we need to sleep pa kasi may mag itinerary pa kami tom (aba siyempre di ba kahit papaano beauty rest kami) sa bahay ni kuya (thats what we call it) ang mga kasma ko is puro girls... namely, shevey, lea, rhia, bennie, lian, vivs, bec, hann and nenz.

day3: umalis na si lea kahit na anong pilit naming magpachange ng flight at kahit na gusto niyang sumama saming magcaving ndi pa ren siya nagpapigil.. hhaayyyzzz.... then ginawa namin ang advice ni tita na wag ng maligo dahil after caving ay maliligo din naman kami so nagbitbit na kami ng pampaligo... nagdala sila tita ng breakfast namin and after breakfast hinatid nila si lea sa terminal ng bus.

meanwhile kami ay pumunta kina tito chris... about 11am umalis na kami. fill up kami ng waiver ata yun... courtesy call ba.. hahahahahahaha...

ang layo ng travel namin! as in yung bangin sa baguio?? wala yun! yung mga scenery dun?? walang wala yun!

then... ung mga matataas na lugar/daan dun? wala yun.. may instance na pinabababa kami sa elf kasi ndi kami kaya... yung last e yung 65 degrees ata yun so we have to walk.. we dont have any choice...

we stop by sa isang barangay dun... then from there.. inayos na ng mga guide ang mga hardhat namin nilagyan nila ng flashilight.. then kumain kami ng suman...

i ask kung magkano yung suman... would you believe it only cost 1 peso?!

ng matapos na.. diretso na kami sa cave... we ate lunch near the cave... badtrip lang may naghahanap ba naman ng spoon and fork so nasabi ko tuloy na.. "ay naku! wala ng panahon para maginarte"... and narinig pala siya ni tito hb (herbert) and he laughed at me...

after lunch we prepare ourselves para makapunta sa cave.... lakad pa kami sa mga masusukal an daan at sa kanan mo ay bangin... muntik pa nga akong madulas on the way sa cave pero nakahawak ako sa sangang matinik... kaya ayun.. simula pa lang injured na ako... habang naglalakad ay nagttanggal ng tinik sa daliri...

ng marating na namin ang cave.... they divided the group... each group should have 5 members... but in our group we only have 3... i, lian and bec...group by group we entered the cave....

to make the caving short... lahat na yata ng klaseng lakad nagawa namin... sideways, ordinary lakad, nakayuko, gumapang na parang baby, parang crab at gapang patihaya. ang water dun ay parang nagdeprose ka sa ref... may mababaw at may sobrang lalim na they have to use rope para makatawid lahat.

the higlight of the caving: in order for you to get out of the cave you have to rappel upwards...

while one of the guide tried his best na pigilan ang water to pour down habang may umaakyat... ang mga girls ay nagrappel ng may harness while guys didnt.

masyado na akong naiinip at gusto ko ng umakyat kasi sobrang lamig na... you can see smoke coming out of your body... the heat of your body is going down...

so i decided to rappel without the harness... i was disappointed when they said we need to go some obstacle pa para makalabas... kala ko kasi last na ang rappel e...

kailangan pa naming lumakad pa side ways para makalabas sa napakaliit na butas na yun! the one at your back is bato na and sa harap mo.. super up close and personal about 5 inch ang layo sayo e bato na ren... outside i can hear the others voice... they seemed to be happy... and sa tingin ko yun na ang labas.... so ayun... but then again.... na disappoint ako.. ndi pa pala...

to make it short... nakalabas din kami after ng makipot na daan na un mga 1 hour pa kaming naglakbay... takip silim na ng makalabas kami...

so trekking naman ang ginawa namin... na injure si lian so i have to stay with her kasi ako yung household head niya e.... nasisi ko ang sarili ko kasi ako dapat nasa unahan niya but i leave my position.

9pm na kami nakabalik kina tito rod at tita jovit.... with the help of taong bayan....
hinatid namin yung iba kina tito hb at pinababa kami para mag pray... after ng prayers... napaiyak halos lahat.

we ate our dinner kina tita len.. dun e tinatawanan na lang namin ang mga sarili namin and we cant imagine we survive cave luwao.

day4: we woke up mga 7 na ata tapos naglaba pa kami ng ibang damit kasi puro putik na ang mga damit namin.. pati mga sapatos...

umalis kami ng bandang 10 para mag almusal kina tita len.. dun kinuwento ni tito chris na kaya pala pinapatay ung lights nung nagtetrekking na kami kasi ndi nila alam kung mga npa ba yun... at yung ibang malalalim na tubig dun sa cave may current sa ilalim at kapag naanod ka ay sa ibang cave na ang labas mo... but bumilib siya samen.. dahil kami na daw ang may pinakamabilis na lumabas dun na ganung karami.. 33 kami lahat at halos mga babae pa... walang umiyak... walang nag freak out.... nagtutulung tulungan...

he said that the moral story there... as a leader... kami halos lahat kami ay household head and up... we have to stay alert.. be calm... kasi kami ang nagbibigay ng instructions e... so kapag mali ang instructions mo sa ibang kasama mo... sa susunod sayo (kasi po may info pass mo sa cave e) madidisgrasya siya...

isa lang dapat ang voice na pakikinggan mo (sa rappelling po kasi madaming voice kang maririnig) and that is the voice of GOD... pero ikaw pa ren ang gagawa ng diskarte para maiangat mo sarili mo.

afterwards pumunta kami sa monastery of tranfiguration... ndi kami naligo kasi magsiswimming pa kami e..hehehehehe
yang picture na yan.. yan ang simbahan dun.. nakakatuwa nga e... kasi lumapit samin yung guard and told us na huwag maingay kasi nagdadasal ang mga monk.. so we have to whisper...

sabi tuloy ni tita len "ang sabi e huwag maingay. wag naman kayong magbulungan"

so we took a lots of pictures there here are some of it:

this was mike para lang siyang nagsasun bathing no? hehehehehe... kasi naman talaga namang napaka relaxing ng environment dun... hahanga ka sa mga makikita mong scenery dun.

while this one... isa sa mga nakahandang butas dun sa monastery.. ndi namin alam kung para saan yun.. but mike gave us an idea... so we used it as a props sa picture na ito.. hehehehehe

maganda naman ang kinalabasan... eheheehhe.. para siyang painting.. lam nio yun? yung may man... ndi ko lang alam kung anong title nung painting na yun... it was mike and demboy's version.

then after this trip bumili kami ng konting pasalubong and we went back na sa bahay nila tita len para maglunch...

we went sa gk sites din and here are some pictures:
GK Robinhood kung tawagin nila.. may story yun e... ndi ko lang narinig kung ano yun hehehehehehe..

then we went to lake apo... it was awesome! parang... ewan ko.. kakaiba talaga... and pagbaba pa namin... may ngbenta ng banana que... 3 pesos each! ang mura! grabe!

i took my cellphone off and take some pictures of the well blessed lake apo.
this is lake apo by day... namamangka pa kami jan at 100 lang ang rent sa raft... nung una natatakot ako... kasi ndi ako sanay.. but later... nasanay na ren ako and i enjoy the scenery there...
worth it naman ang paglalagi mo dun sa gitna ng lake apo... maganda sana kung may pagkain ka pa habang nanduduon ka... si shevey nga e gumagawa ng documentary dun... na video ni tito rod at sana mapanood ko ang mga iyon

this one is a silhouette of my sisters in Christ... sabi nila against sa light daw yung pagkuha ko sa cellphone ko... pero natuwa ako sa kinalabasan... hmmm.... kaya wag na ninyo akong hanapin sa picture na yan hehehehehe and there still more..

sunset in lake apo.... in the middle of lake apo yan ha... hehehehehehe and this one another

sunset at lake apo... by the shore... hehehehe wala lang natuwa lang kasi ako... and a bit disappointed... kaya nga gustong gusto ko ng magkaroon ng digicam so i can bring it with me so nagtiyaga lang ako sa cellphone ko.. and hindi naman ako binigo di ba?

after these breath taking scenery... we went swmming! ang entrance... 40 pesos! ahahahahaha.. then by 7:30pm umuwi na kami para magdinner..then sleep na kami

day5: nag mass kami sa monastery... then we went back para mag breakfast sa haws nila tita len and umuwi na kami...

this is the day when we woke up to our dream... a day when we live the paradise called bukidnon... a day when we all back to reality.. back to the big bad world...

so... i dunno know if those things can help you lose weight... but it did work for me.. try it... you wouldnt regret it... ^_~

my once said pain...

2007-02-05T07:55:00.000+08:00

a friend of my ex called me... he said its so unfair for my ex....

i just wondering... isnt it he's the one who's being unfair??

i mean... ever since our relationship began.... its been unfair to me...

want to know few?

1. i want to break up with him but he refuse but when he was the one who's breaking up even do i refuse.... does he listen to me?

2. i understand him in everything he do... support him... but does he didnt do the same thing...

3. i fill up his weaknesses... but he didnt

4. he doesnt care, doesnt appreaciate...

5. when bad times occur... hes gone

6. im the only one whos trying to save our relationship

7. im the only one who live in reality

8. more bad times than good times

9. if there's a problem i want to talk it out but he wont give me a chance

10. im the one whos setting our date... im the one whos working things out.

do i have to continue??? things is not like the way they think... i mean... does his friend ever see us? or witness how he behave with me when things go wrong???

i think... the one whos being unfair here is him....

i only said my pain to my ex once... just once and now... he said im being unfair???

ssheeessshhhh..... im not mad... im just... disappointed... i thought hes the one who understand me... but i guess i was wrong....

when will you start?

2007-01-30T08:59:00.000+08:00

when will you start notice me?
or even look at me with fondness...
i hope it wont be long
cause i am waiting for so long.

when will you start to care for me?
or love me the way i love you...
i hope it wont be long
cause i am waiting for so long.

when will you start lean on me?
and say that you need me
i hope it wont be long
cause i need you in my life.

when will you start to realize
that i exist in your life
i hope it wont be long
cause i'll left this world soon....

Last Christmas

2006-12-19T14:50:00.000+08:00

Have you heard the song "Last Christmas" if im not mistaking WHAM was the one who sang it...

I'm playing Giza a moment ago and suddenly i heard this song (im playing christmas song sa media player) then a line catchd my attention and made me laugh....

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away....

hahahahaha...it remind me about my past... yeah.. the past.... way back then i was sad.. all i can feel was pain but now i laugh at myself why i did that... hahahahaha

and just like the song goes...

This year to save me from tears
I give it to someone special....

yeah, it is true that experience is the best teacher... but i tell you.. you dont have to experience it to learn from it... you can hear it from your friend... and from then you can learn...

there's lot of things happen.. some can made you cry and you wouldnt even know that you made fool of yourself.. but as you remember it.... you will end up laughing to the things you've done and realize how fool you are...

well... enjoy everybody and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

LAST CHRISTMAS

Chorus:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Chorus

(Oooh. Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Chorus

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
special
someone
someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone
hold my heart and watch it burn
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I've got you here to stay
I can love you for a day
I thought you were someone special
gave you my heart
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
last christmas I gave you my heart
you gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

im back!

2006-12-14T08:37:00.000+08:00

yes, after a long time im still alive and kicking! hehehehehehe! its been ages... isnt it?

o well.... i met this guy at the party... he's soft spoken (perhaps its only human nature to be a soft spoken at the first time you met someone)... i like the way he smile... >_< hehehehehehe...

at first.. i didnt noticed him... cause i am busy in that party.... but when i have a chance to take a break and sit beside a friend of mine... i started to notice him. hes alone and i talked to him and asked him if he's alright and havign fun... he said yes he is... and he introduce himself and so do i... i introduced him to my other friends near me.

hahahahaha.. he really is cute... i think i have a crush on him... but beyond that... i dunno... hahahahahaha!

o well.... till here

four days living in the dark

2006-10-02T09:05:00.000+08:00

this was taken at MIA ROAD.... i took this shot on my way at office... a day after the typhoon...

hhaaayyy.. milenyo.. masdan ang ginawa mo...

for the past for days... i've experience living in the dark... (literally speaking)...

thursday, when PAGASA declared cavite as signal number 3 kasi po duon dadaan si milenyo...

hindi na ako pumasok nun... kasi sabi ni mama e (masunuring bata ako e)

then.. brownout... no.. blackout pala...

for four days.. para akong namuhay sa pilipinas nuong unang panahon.... wala kuryente... walang tubig... kandila lang ang tanging tanglaw ng bawat bahay sa gabi. mainit, malamok, malagkit ang pakiramdam ko kasi naman sa pawis at ndi makapag hilamos sa gabi dahil bawat patak ng tubig ay mahalaga...

kapag naliligo ako... kailangan ko pang sumakay sa batcha para yung pinagliguan ko ay maipon at maipang buhos sa banyo...

kailangan mo pang magigib para may magamit ka lang... sa panligo at sa iba pang bagay.. hhaaayyy...

parang nagpanic din ang mga tao... and haba ng pila sa mga atm, at sa grocery.. yung ibang atm naman nag offline na...

nung pumasok ako nung friday... parang walang nangyari... as if walang bagyong dumating... malalaman mo lang kapag nag observe ka sa paligid mo... ang mga puno, nagsitumbahan, ang mga billboard nagbagsakan.. may mga shot akong nakuha sa mga billboard na yun..

Billboard of Pancake House collapsed... i took this photo a day after the typhoon on my way to office... this was located at MANTRADE... as you can see a public bus was crashed....

according to some people this bus have passenger and 22 of them got injured... luckily nobody died in the accident..

hhhaayyy.. ang daming namatay, ang daming nasalanta... milenyo o milenyo... bakit mo nagawa sa amin ito? ito ba ay isang hagupit ng isang kalikasan... ng kalikasan na minsan ng inalipusta at binababoy nting mga tao.... hagupit ni inang kalikasan na nagpapahiwatig na kapag siya ang gumanti walang magagawa ang mga tao... kaya dapat ayusin at pahalagahan ng mga tao ang kalikasan...

a closer look for the bus...

para tuloy nakikini kinita ko na yung series sa national geographic channel na napanood ko... EARTH: THE MOST DEADLIEST PLACE....

hhhaayyy... sa pagdating ni nene... sana naman... maging handa na ang lahat ng tao.. at nene... huwag mo namang masyadong hagupitin ang bansang pilipinas.

whats with it?

2006-09-18T09:06:00.000+08:00

"im glad you found him.. and to hear that you move on"

our friend (my ex and i) told this to me last time when we have a little chat... he mistook the title of my blog, pictures and other stuff that i already have a bf...

i told everything... but there is one thing i haevnt told him...

having someone to be by yourside or having a new boyfriend doesnt mean that i already move on...

to tell everyone the truth... i dont want to have a new guy in my life... but that doesnt mean that i cant move on... its just that i need to prepare myself first...

for me.. having a new guy in life after a break up will not end well...

lalabas lang na panakip butas yung guy.. shock absorber... and it wasnt good... using people and playing with their emotions was bad.

if i do that im just like my ex.. dont you think?

so... i want to be fully recovered... and when that time comes... i can give my heart... my whole heart to that guy.

oedipus and electra complex

2006-09-15T09:14:00.000+08:00

o well... i dunno why im writing or why i suddenly write a blog about this...

o well.. to go further about this topic.. (panindigan ko na nga) some of us have an oedipus and electra complex....

not really to the extent that you gonna kill you father/mother because you love your mother/father that much...

in modern days, i can say the people have an oedipus/electra complex cause they admire their mother/father so much and somehow they are looking for someone who can fit to their parent's personality...

when i was young.... i also admire my father for his determination and how he handle things... i even want to marry someone like him... but as i go on to this life... i realize that i can never find someone like him cause he is unique and one of a kind... i can never find exactly like him... so i quit...

now i look up not only to my father but also to my mother as a model... as an idol... i want to grow up like my mama and my papa...

so to those who are looking for a partner who like their partner as their mother or father well... goodluck to you...

i wish in near future you wouldn't have a problem with your partner... cause if you want someone to be someone... well, that will be rude... cause your missing the capability of that person, his/her unique personality.

so you better stop it... it isnt nice.... just look up to you parents as a model...

love the person who he/she is not because you see someone to her/him... isnt that sweet? ^_^

i cant find a song... instead ill put the lyrics here... hoping this will help to understand what im trying to say...

LOVE ME FOR WHAT I AM
BY: CARPENTERS

We fell in love

On the first night that we met

Together

We've been happy

I have very few regrets

The ordinary problems

Have not been hard to face

But lately little changes

Have been slowly taking place

You're always finding something

Is wrong in what I do

But you can't rearrange my life

Because it pleases you

(*) You've got lo love me

For what I am

For simply being me

Don't love me

For what you intend

Or hope that I will be

And if you're only using me

To feed your fantasy

You're really not in love

So let me go

I must be free

If what you want

Isn't natural for me

I won't pretend to keep you

What I am I have to be

The picture of perfection

Is only on your mind

For all your expectations

Love can never be designed

We either take each other

For everything we are

Or leave the life

We've made behind

And make another start

Repeat (*)

And if you're only using me

To feed your fantasy

You're really not in love

So let me go

I must be free

You're really not in love

So let me go

I must be free

me... at subic?

2006-09-12T12:39:00.000+08:00

my boss asked me after i finished my one month stay here at baguio aritao project... he will assign me at subic...

so i'll stay at subic if im not mistaken... nweiz, this is much better than bohol... i can go home every weekend... and besides... i think i need a new environment...

all i can do now is to wait till he says it to me again..

honey we've done it...

2006-09-12T08:51:00.000+08:00

dapat magsusulat ako nung sunday, kaso dala ng puyat... ndi ko nagawa... dapat naman kahapon.. dala ng katamaran kaya ndi ko ginawa...

hhhmm... after weeks of practice and sacrifices, nagbunga din ang aming pinaghirapan.... north sector won first place in band and dance competition while pnpa got the title "champion".

they are good... no... good was not the right word to say... at that night they are the best.. from video to band to dance... no wonder they won....

anyway, i am happy how the competition turned out.... happy and fruitfull...

all i can say is... Honey! we did it! We Won First Place and this is all for you!

For SFC Cavite North Congratulations! OMEDATTO!!!!

i have the ace of heart

2006-09-04T10:09:00.000+08:00

i still have the ace of heart so i wont fall dont and cry for the love i've lost...

anyway, no matter how many times i've red a book about relationship, no matter how i see and hear some difficulties in relationship and how they overcome it, no matter how people help me to stand up again, to cheer me up but i wont do it on myself, and lack of will to do it then it will be nothing...

i have to apply all the lesson i've learned through this.... apply and be wise this time.

the king of heart will find me.... he will...

honey... im tired...

2006-09-04T10:06:00.000+08:00

o yeah.. im tired... and i dont have enought sleep...

we've been praticing for our dance number for this coming singles night event... yeah its a competition and i feel a little pressured about it...

we will be very busy this week 'cause the event will be this saturday.

it was so fun though and i know after this event bihira na naman kami magkikita kita.. >_<

o men... then there's conflict... last satruday... my mama scolded me... for coming home late... 1am in the morning... because of our practice... i cant reason out to her cause i know im wrong...

nobody is here to blame cause i know that everyone want to perfect the dance... but i want them or i want all of us to be considerate... since the place was so far to our place... and we started so late... i want everyone to be punctual...

we also need to think about our parents who patiently waited for us at home...

so there... all i can say is...

HONEY! IM DEAD TIRED! BUT I AM HAPPY CAUSE IT IS FOR YOU!

my legs are aching....

2006-08-24T15:01:00.000+08:00

its been two nights now since i started to practice for our dance practice... >_< and now... my legs are aching...

i feel a little pressure when bok told us that we have to depend our title for being a champion last year...

aaawww man! the beat was too fast and i hope i can catch up with it... cause if i dont... then it will be too late for me... i may not gonna pick as a dancer (whoa! did i say dancer?!)

anyway... hope i our effort and hardship will have a good result...

oh! we will perform that dance number on single's night... yahoo!!!

wish us luck!

this is the day...

2006-08-21T18:47:00.000+08:00

there are lot of things happen to me this last few days... a shocking revelation / issue...

a unimaginary situation... and unpredictable things happened...

last week ive got a chance to talked to my friend... he informed that my x break up with his girlfriend...

honestly speaking.. there's part of me.. saying "buti nga sayo".. the more i felt now was... pity...

i pity my x... yeah.. ive been talking about karma lately... and i think what happened to him was too much...

then last night... ive got a chance to talk to him...

my first approached was "i dont know anything approach" but when he said that his bestfriend told him that we have a conversation... then all i do was to spill it out...

he' doin' fine (thats what he said) but funny... i feel a burden.. i can feel his pain... and my pain too...

but i have to tell him something... i gave him advices... lots of advice.

then morning came... i got a chance to talked to his girl... but the girl didnt opened up anything she just said she want to say hello to me... and other stuff like she's very busy...

oh men! how can i avoid them? no matter what i do to avoid them... it seems that... they are... they can still find a away to get near me...

how ironic isnt it? so... i decided not to runaway or hide from them... i have to face them.. cause sooner or later... we will face each other... maybe not now... but perhaps in the near future.

things will gonna be work out just fine... i know it will

a letter for GOD...

2006-08-15T20:12:00.000+08:00

dear GOD,

i know i've been talking about "karma" this past few days... i know in some way... he deserved that... and he was paying the consequences for the wrong thing he has done...

but GOD, please help him... help him to heal his heart... heal his memory... heal him LORD JESUS CHRIST... as you healed me.

i know he's not that good person but what happen to him was totally... i think its too much...

help him to learn his lesson... i know everything happen for a reason...

and for this girl LORD GOD.... i dont know what or who she really is.... i dont know why she've done those things... but please o GOD, help her too... to analyze and let her know what she've done were wrong....

help both of them to heal... to forgive...

i leave the rest to your hand GOD...

In JESUS NAME... AMEN...

TROPANG OP

2006-08-14T08:59:00.000+08:00

last night... we had a household at our unit head's place...

the topic for discussion was soo cool...

its about friendship....

and here are the words...

SIRACH 6:5-17

² A kind mouth multiplies friends, and gracious lips prompt friendly greetings.
6: Let your acquaintances be many, but one in a thousand your confidant.
7: When you gain a friend, first test him, and be not too ready to trust him
8: For one sort of friend is a friend when it suits him, but he will not be with you in time of distress.
9: Another is a friend who becomes an enemy, and tells of the quarrel to your shame.
10: Another is a friend, a boon companion, who will not be with you when sorrow comes.
11: When things go well, he is your other self, and lords it over your servants;
12: But if you are brought low, he turns against you and avoids meeting you.
13: Keep away from your enemies; be on your guard with your friends.
14: A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure.
15: A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth.
16: A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds;
17: For he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.

well... well.. well.... i can say that i already met those kind of people... for all those years i've met different kind of person....

some they befriend you because they need something from you....

but i can say.... i really do find a true friends.... not just i have my parents and my brother and sister... i also have "tropang op" to support me all the way... although we dont see that much... talk that much, text that much... all of us know... deep within our heart that we are friends...

we do give advices to those who need it... but the person who have that problem was still the last one to decide...

"do what makes you happy" our tropa's motto...

we stay beside them.... not behind... not in front of them... but beside them...

and... i will treasure... and i appreciate all those memories and friendship we had....

i am so blessed to have a friends like them... i really am blessed

the power of three...

2006-08-10T12:35:00.000+08:00

"the power of three will set us free" - the charmed one

for me... the so-called power of three is "dont do to others what you dont want to do unto you"

if you do things bad to other people.... this will bounce back to you three times worst than you've done...

same goes if it is good.....

so... thats the reason why..... i stop cursing people... i stop taking a revenge....

yes i admit i am in pain... that the reason why i am writing this nga e....

yes i admit i am mad.... to both of them...

when i was in retreat.... our last talk.... our last speaker rather.... red a bible verse in psalm stating like this...

it is alright to get angry but dont sin....

so as long as i dont sin.... or i dont let my anger eat me up.... it was alright pa pala....

im not gonna kill them naman e....

all i want is for them to realize how bad they did to me... and... i hope they can be happy...

i hope.... they can really eb together.... forever....

i'll let my pain, my anger subside... but now.... i dont want to talk to them... to have a information about them or anything i would hear about those two....

although.... medyo ok na ako... at ndi na ako gaanong nasasaktan... pero i want to FULLY RECOVER for that incident.... i want a fully recover.... in mind... in heart.... in myself... i want my confindence back.... my self-esteem...trust to other people and to myself....

i want that back.... the damage has been done.... and there's no room for to cry for it and to undo things.... all i can do is....

to heal myself....

a vision of you...

2006-08-09T15:30:00.000+08:00

yes you.... while i was waiting for my computer... i decided to sketch a little... one, two, three sketch was fine.... i've made a three sketch...

i take a rest... then... i hold my mongol pencil and once again grab my scratch paper.... i decided to sketch again....

i started in his eyes.... then... his brow.... his lips... shape of his face.... when suddenly i stopped....

i stare to his eyes.... i think i've seen these eyes before... (i thought)

then... i dropped my pencil....

after a few years.... i decided to draw a portrait again... but the portrait i draw this time.... was the portrait of him.....

yes.... him... my lost love.... now... where's the portrait? i trew it in trash bin... it doesnt mean that im weak....

i just want to move on...

a door and a window

2006-08-07T21:56:00.000+08:00

truly i tell you... if someone closes door for you... definitely... someone will open a window for you kasi chismosa siya at inaalam niya kung ano ang nangyar sayo ... waheheheh just kidding...

nope really, if you feel like you are left standing outside the door... because someonel closed its door for you.... someone will open a window for you...

oh! hiw redundant i am.... oh well... so what will you do?

will you stay outside?

will you grab that opportunity.. you will jump in?

that may be a tough question isnt it? cause you will never know what IS INSIDE. or what's gonna happen to you after you jump in?

i tell you... you will never know... unless you try... and if ever... you find yourself outside again....

think about the reasons why.... perhaps there is something you need to understand and you need to find out....

sometimes, you have to be sensitive in other people's need...

and... everything happens for a reason.

time is chance as a friend of mine told me.... so better grab the chance or the opportunity you have...

pain is part of being human.... part of being alive.... dont cry cause it is over.... smile... cause it happened.

fist day high

2006-08-07T10:21:00.000+08:00

o well... here i am with my "first day" here at the main office...

so many changes... so many new faces here... so many people... >_<

same old place... same old position...

aww... how i miss my freedom... >_<

on my free time

2006-08-02T14:50:00.000+08:00

o well.... im spending my free time studying flash... yeah.. flash... im trying to work on sfc website and i want to use flash on it... and... im working with coach owel (my coach in dart) and a new member sign in... our tl in last clp... jun... we hope we can finish this site as soon as possible....

besides, i enjoy studying flash...

farewell gift...

2006-07-31T14:04:00.000+08:00

what a farewell gift...

an officemate told my boss that i didnt help her doing our report... how can she say that!

i was waiting for her to tell what im gonna do... cause i dont know what to put to that report....besides... she's always absent! how could she! put the blame in me...

everytime she asked me to edit and print the report... i immediately do it....

ggrrrr.. it pisses me off....

anyway, i thank my boss for a lunch farewell he set up for me and my officemate.

other half

2006-07-28T14:27:00.000+08:00

i feel my blood rushing through my vein. suddenly, i cant breath...

then a snap! im back to my senses.... i saw this girl standing in front of me... staring at me... as if her eyes are asking... "what are you doing?"

what's this? i can't look directly to her eyes. as if this girl is reading my soul... slowly... she approach me... i step back... im afraid of her... im afraid of her to get near me...

as she walk one step closer to me... i take two step backward... and the last step... its a dead end...

i told her to stay away from me... i told her i want to be alone....she hold me... and hug me... and i can feel her warm body... then she told me.... "cry my dear... cry as much as you want... if you can shout... shout it all out.... i know its been hard for you to keep all of this pain inside you. dont hold back... crying is not a sign of weakness. cry it out loud"

but i told her, "i cant cry. i dont know why i cant do it."

suddenly, i feel a cold breeze in my body... she's gone. but i know... she will be back... after all... she's me.

somehow, i feel alone again... im like a baby inside my mom's womb.. alone and cold in the dark... a spot of light was there but i was afraid to go there... i was afraid that i might not be able to handle that light... i am afraid to grab the light and fail.

right now... although im back from retreat... and my mind and body has been refresh... and i know what im gonna do... but still... i cant do it.

time is love....

2006-07-24T10:43:00.000+08:00

hhhaaayyy.... i and my friend have a misunderstanding recently... ok a few minutes ago...

i was hurt when she said "i know you wont understand" its funny... does she really think i wouldnt understand her? o well... it was her opinion after all... she has a right to say whats on her mind... but still... nasaktan ako...

for all those times she's with me and said things to me.... does she think... does she think i didnt understand her at all??

yes i do understand her why she do that thing... cause i've done it so many times.... kasi nga naman bakit ko pa papahirapan ang sarili ko e dun din naman yun... i've done that so many times....

for me, time is a very important matter... time is not equivalent to money....

sabi nila... ang mga taong hindi makapagbigay syo ng oras nila... they tend to bribe you using money. buy things, gifts, flowers, treat you.. thats the reason why... people said... time=money.

time is a very important... i know you can never bring back time... but if you know how to handle your time.... it wasnt a waste...

time is love... you spent time for your love one.... and spending time to your love ones bring you closer together. people's transformation doesnt occur in just one snap... it also takes time.

back from retreat!

2006-07-24T08:57:00.000+08:00

hei yah! how you guys doin'? just got from retreat... SWR Retreat at Villa Julia Silang Cavite...

we've got a great talk... and ive got a nice and sweet roommates... val and chiqui... they are so nice!

o well... the most favorite part of the retreat i love most was the talk taming of tongue... and the last talk... overcoming difficulties outside the community...

i found sister ahyenn a good speaker.... nakakatuwa kasi very realistic ang mga exmaples niya... and bro xernan... i found him very talented too...

i learned so much from this retereat.. from emotions and other spitual aspect... syempre dagdag mo na ang mga kalokohan at new words na natutunan ko courtesy of mike! HOPIA!!

and there's a creepy things happened there too!!

may "bumisita" sa last day namin dun!!!! pauwi na kami nun bumisita pa siya.. creepy huh?!

oh! another thing, we create a letter for our future husband.... and.... we sealed it with crayon.. melted crayon... and i decided to give it to him when i married him... so he will know.... i've been waiting for him to find me... and ive been praying to god for him all this time... ^___^ sweet isnt it?

to everybody who's beautiful

2006-07-21T08:24:00.000+08:00

i've found this one at my inbox... a friend of mine forwarded it to me....

she's one of my cute friend... and has an angelic face too... so here it is... enjoy reading... though it is in our mother tongue... in filipino..

"Para sa Mga Magaganda!!!!"

Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin.
Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at
tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?" Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako
nagsawa. Natauhan lang." Pwede mo kong lokohin pero
wag kang magpapahuli sakin. Pwede mo kong palitan
pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede
mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag
ako sobrang nasaktan, wala ka nang babalikan.

Ang Boys? Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno
hanggang pumorma na.Tapos pag nahulog ka na,
ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang
iiyak at smile lang tayo. Punyeta, anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn't shed too
much tears nor did I ask him to love me again.
Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Ganyan talaga
ang magaganda! Hindi bagay sa tanga!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka,
mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin.
Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga, iiyakan mo pa?

Pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo, wag mo siyang sisihin!
Kausapin mo siya ng harap-harapan at sabihin mong,
"Ingat, tanga ka pa naman!"

Masakit pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo. Pero wag kang
magagalit ng husto. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan
naman kayo, diba? Kaya for the last time
yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo, "Gago, kukulamin kita!"

Girls, talo daw sayo sa mga boys? Papayag kayo? Sige,
pag niligawan tayo, sagot agad. Pag iniwan tayo? Ok
lang. Kapag sinabi nilang, "Uy, ex ko."

Alam niyo sagot diyan? "Ay, ambisyoso."

If the one you love doesn't love you back, don't get
depressed. Just think about it for a while, maybe cry
a bit then wipe your tears and say, "Ang weird naman
niya. Di siya pumapatol sa magaganda!"

You only got one life so live it well., one heart so
take good care, one soul so keep it pure. One
boyfriend? What a waste! Make it two or more!

Sayang ganda natin!
Pag sinabi sayo ng mahal mo na ayaw na niya sayo,
hayaan mo lang. Wag kang iiyak at magpapakagago!
Imbis na iyakan mo siya, ngitian mo lang at sabihin mo
ang ganito, "So, pano? Bye na! Naghihintay na ang kapalit mo!"

Who cares about break-ups? Oo nga, masakit. Makirot sa
puso. Pero tandaan mo: a break-up isn't only an end
to a relationship. It's also a beginning of a new one
and an end to a living hell called "ex".

a dot of light shine in the darkness....

2006-07-20T13:16:00.000+08:00

last night... i've got a chance to talked to caski...

his words really sooth in my mind.... its like a cape that protected me.... and... its nice to hear it... so nice....

it calms my mind... and it calms my heart.... he even asked me to cry it out.. to cry it out loud... cause... he said... crying is not a sign of weakness... a pain like that wont hurt me but make me stronger...

he doesnt want me to end someone we both know.... he want me to shout my pain.

but although i want to shout it out... although i want to cry it out so hard... i cant find a right place where no one will bother me while im doing it....

i cant thank him enough for those comforting words... perhaps... thats what ive been looking for in the first place... a shoulder i can cry for... a comforting words... someone who will protect me... and i can see it in him.... and to alvin as well...

all this time ive been protecting everybody.. ive been protecting people so dear to me.... i dont have a grudge on that or a regret about that.. cause i really do love to protect them.... and since, that talked... that conversation.... i realized even heroes need to be protected.... even heroes need hero.

and it felt so good.... it felt so good...

i cant thank the two of them enough... ill go out with caski... thats my way of saying thank you... ill try to smile and made my self better for alvin and to others who worry for me...

while i cant recover, will you be there for me?? will you be my shield? will you be my companion while im saying all my pain? i hope you will... i hope you will....

alone in the desert

2006-07-19T09:12:00.000+08:00

have you ever experience waking up one day and found out you have nothing? nothing to look forward too... nothing to go to... nothing... as in nothing....

then suddenly, all you can do is to run... run as much as possible...

after running... you will realize you are all alone.... the environment you see is not familiar to you.... and suddenly there's a snap! you run so fast and you realize to yourself that you keep on running but dont have a definite destination.... you wanted to go back but can't go back because you didnt remember where you from.... in other words... you lost....

you wanted to call out for help but no one is there, you are all alone... and you can depend only to yourself in order to survive, in order to live.

someday, there will be someone who will pass by, who will help you go back to where you from. someone who can give you a hitch so he can return you to a place where everyone's waiting for you to return.

if that time comes, you will realize you were wrong... you have everything... you just dont see right through it.

drawning into darkness

2006-07-17T12:35:00.000+08:00

darkness started to drawn me to eat me... inside out... ive been thinking of casting a spell..... perhaps i already did cast a spell unconciously...

i cant hardly see the light... or perhaps... i dont want to see the light... the light that can give me hope, strength... i've been here.... all along... here in the dark.... and nobody found me... perhaps... somebody is looking for me... but that person didnt look further... or perhaps i dont want to be found.

pain, sadness... ive been a slave of these feeling for a long time.... and i want to be free by these unwanted emotions... by these negative emotions that i have....

i want somebody who can bring a light here.... a light that i can see...a kind of the light that i can see even if i close my eyes... i want somebody who can pull me out of the darkness and even if i went back in here... he can still find me and look for me....

please... please find me.... and bring the light back in me... please...

my maple.. ^_^

2006-07-16T13:18:00.000+08:00

finally!! i've got a chance to take a screen shot of my dear character in maplesea... hehehehe... that me... the kamatarichan character.. ^_^

i breakdown...

2006-07-16T12:48:00.000+08:00

last night... i received a friendster meesage from a friend of mine saying the reason why im sad because i've red the testimonial of my ex to his gf...

i freak out and said it isnt my concern anymore and worse... i dont care!! i even told her i didn't even bother to red that girl's testimonial eversince i discovered that.... that... since i discovered their "affair"!

i breakdown and tell her to leave me alone and i dont want to listen to anything she has to say especially if about them...

i was mad... and upto now... guess i am... a boy friend of mine asked me last night about some stuff and i was mad at him, i really freak out.... and... i can see... still... i am affected to those things.... things.... that can bring back memories of their "treachery"... o men.. did i say those things?? treachery?? >_<

am i mean am i?? i sound bitter am i??

Bitter.... Sweet... Rain

2006-07-14T09:41:00.000+08:00

well... well... well... what have we have here? when i wake up this morning... there's a sudden quote flashback in my mind... quotes of boys be... have seen that anime?

you see... in every episode there's a quote flash before it start... and the one that i've been thinking of this morning was this quote...

"Nobody can stop the flow of time, but a moment captured in the frame of the heart will never disappear. That will shown at the bottom of their hearts will always give off a great feeling... sweet... and bitter"

the reason why i remeber this one was the thought that my ex and i never had a picture.... we've been in each other's company for about... let me see... five years and everytime we always forgot to take our picture everytime e planned it....

although we dont have a picture.... i still become a part of his memory.... a memory which can be deleted or cant be torn into pieces....memory stays forever... and he and i have a picture of each other in our memory... in our history... in our story.... in our life that will stay forever.

it was raining here... its been a week since it start raining here... and rain... brings back memories... bitter... sweet.... happy... sad... success and failure..

aww man...

2006-07-13T13:30:00.000+08:00

an officemate told me a few minutes ago that she saw "my bf's" picture... i corrected here, i told her he isnt my bf he's my ex-bf.... and i've shown the picture of his new gf... i thought it was alright for me to see their faces... but when i saw the girl's picture... and her status... "in relationship" in her friendster profile said... suddenly i feel pain....

and now... i m wondering... am i really alright? i've seen their picture.. they are happy.... very happy in each other arms... isnt that what i wanted from the start? their happiness?? but why do i feel pain?? but why do i feel like crying? im still affected.... and... i still.... love.... him....

and... this song.. keep on playing in my mind...

i can relate to this song...

" ikitai yo kimi no tokoro e imasugu kakedashite ikitai yo
makkura de nani mo mienai kowakutemo daijoubo
kazoekirenai hoshizora ga ima mo zutto koko ni aru n' dayo
nakaranai yo mukashi kimi to mita kirei na sora datta kara"

" i want to go to where you are
i want to see right now and go to you
in darkness, i wont be able to see
and though is scary, i'll be fine
the countless stars are here with me now, as they always have been.
i wont cry, because this was the beautiful sky that
i watched with you so long ago."

farewell my free work

2006-07-13T10:03:00.000+08:00

i received a rumor a few minutes ago saying i was about to end my contract here at barip... so much for my almost happy and free life here... o well... perhaps they dont need me here besides i do enjoy my job here. i will stay here at bagtikan until this month... whew! so soon huh?!

next month... the start of my misery... people there are worst than here... >_< it's like im in military school.. you we're lucky if you can play a mp3 there... and the worse thing... there's no internet there! wwaaahh!! and ill come to office even on saturday... how sad... so sad...

so... farewell my free work... i will miss you... i will always miss you... T_T

Correction

2006-07-10T09:53:00.000+08:00

That's our topic for our House Hold last Saturday... and it made me realize on many things.... God knows when and how to correct you... to correct us... just like our parents... painful but it will strike us.

for me, as long as you can't pass the exam that was given to you, you will continue to retake that exam... same goes with our trials... as long as we didnt get the lesson for the trials then the history will repeat itself.. in that way God Correct us...

Painful but the outcome will be fruitfull.. so be thankful to anybody if they correct you..

God knows when was the time I need him

2006-07-06T08:19:00.000+08:00

Last night Ive seen my mama listening to radio... (YES FM 101.1 Alam mo na yan!) and the DJ there was giving an advice to a girl... im not the type of girl who listen to the advice of the DJ in radio... the advice was caught me off guard... I suddenly asked my mama what was the girl's problem.. and she told me this...

This girl has a boyfriend... in two years they've been with each others arms... but suddenly... this girl found out that his bf has a new girlfriend and sadly it was her bestfriend.

O well, im not the only one it told to myself, as I listened to the DJ's advice, he told the girl.. "you need to confront them and ask them why they do it? Ask your bestfriend too... tell her how could she hurt you if she really is your bestfriend... if you can't confront them personally, write a letter to them and tell everything you want to say for them... but in a polite manner... tell them you can forgive them... but that will take time. Tell them you wished happiness for them. you have to forgive them fully so you can move on... you have to move on and go on with your life, look at this way they are happy in their situation but there you are feeling pity and miserable in yourself.. so you have to move on." Then the DJ played this song...

Saison Ella Mae Lyrics - Till My Heartaches End Lyrics

i recall when you said that you would never leave me
you told me more so much more like when the time you whispered
in my ear there was heaven in my heart
i remember when you said that youd be here forever
then you left without even saying that youre leaving
i was hurt and it really wont be easy to forget
yesterday and i pray that you would stay
but then youre gone and oh so far away

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurtin from within
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe ill just dream of you tonight
and if into my dream you come and touch me once again
ill just keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

and then you left without even saying that youre leaving
i was hurt and it really wont be easy to forget
yesterday and i pray that you would stay
but then youre gone and oh so far away

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurtin from within
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe ill just dream of you tonight
and if into my dream you come and touch me once again
ill just keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurtin from within
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe ill just dream of you tonight
and if into my dream you come and touch me once again
ill just keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

As I listened to the song... I can say to myself that I did the right thing... and the DJ is right... they are happy and here I am feeling miserable. Day by day... I feel much better.. perhaps GOD allow me to listen to the DJ's advice so HE can tell me that I did the right thing and I still have a future ahead of me... I need to look forward.

random thoughts

2006-07-04T08:17:00.000+08:00

hhmmm... loneliness strike me again last night? i dunno why.. and somehow.. again... i feel miserable... i pity myself... huh?!

and at some point of "crying time" i thought about this girl... we're friends... yes we are.... and we could have been a very good friends if the situation is different... we could have been friends if this boy didnt court her... if she didnt entertain this boy.

she told me before... (the day i found out they we're dating) she can sacrifice for our friendship... so i will be happy... that's a crap! eventhough she sacrifice her happiness i wouldnt be happy... that wouldnt change the fact that this boy is inlove with her.... i can have this boy's company but i can never have his heart...

i dont want to be a lame person.... i dont want to destroy our friendship for that kind of boy... well... i know... somehow.. there is a gap between us... but i will patch up this things with her... she's a wonderful person... i know... cause i know her....

"..pityness is nxt 2 chakaness!" a text message from a very dear friend of mine.... i dont want to be chaka (ugly)... i like to stay cute as much as possible NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO BECAUSE I WANT TO.

"love is not a feeling alone... because feeling can betray us" that is sssooo true! love is not feeling alone... because if you use your feeling as a basis of love... then sooner or later you will fall out of love... feelings may be fade away... but love will not fade away...

now do you see the difference? in relationship... love is not the only ingredients to have a fruitful relationship... you need friends, you need trust, honesty and i guess everything will be added into it... both of you need to grow in relationship... you don't need to be compatible in all aspect... just one compatibility is enough... cause who knows... your differences are blessing itself... you will learn from each other and both of you will cover up your flaws and your weaknesses... you strength become his strength.

so be thankful for all of it... be thankful not because its over... be thankful cause it happen and you learn something from it.

my foolish friend

2006-06-30T15:18:00.000+08:00

i can feel her pain.... and it hurt me more seeing her in pain.. and i can't do anything about it.... i don't know what i am gonna do... it seems.... all my effort... for her to be alright was now gone....

i thought she's gonna be fine... but all of a sudden... she's broken... and it seems she doesn't want to get up anymore....

i want to help her... but she need to help herself too...

she need to stay alive... how? how can i make her burden easy to bear.... wakaranai... wakaranai yo!

she's such a foolish person!!! how can she ask me not to die... not to go away.. if she herself... go away.

ureshi!

2006-06-29T11:15:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to understand myself now... little by little... im starting to know what i really feel...and i feel glad about it... i really am glad... dakara, i'll try my best to be me. i may never be my old self again but i assure you... as i continue my life... i will be a better person. thanks for the support minna! ARIGATOU!

Mou ii yo

2006-06-23T08:45:00.000+08:00

I found myself crying so hard last night... not only that... i also find myself comparing myself to a lady... whom i know i am nothing compare to her....

Since the day I found out that my ex lover is dating my friend... yeah... my friend. I told them that's fine with me and I'm alright about it....

But last night? That prove me that I am not alright after all... Its funny how I feel sorry for myself...self pity.

Another funny thing is I gave advice to my friends about their love problem but now here I am having the same problem and can't do anything about it... o well... i know i have a solution to this problem but there are some clouds in my mind and i can't think right and i can't start all over again...

Perhaps they are right, as long as I have a connection to them... (they still my friend and they will always will) I hardly move on... For now, I put a space between us... and when the time comes.... when I know to myself that I already move on... then... I'll come back....

At first, I thought this thing only happens in movie, in novel.... but then i was wrong... it can happen to anyone else and thats the reason why I have a hard time to meet new friends.

I also found myself doubting people, I lose trust to people (some people ok?)

This is not me... I want to become me again... and with the help of my family, friends, myself and GOD... I will become me... and back to track of life....

I may lose a lover... but I will never lose hope...

Dont Hesitate

2006-06-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

I have a hard time crossing the street near our office.... why? because there's no stop light nor police officer who can help me to cross....

It is dangerous to cross especially at rush hour... you can see speeding cars and other type of vehicle at the street near Meralco. I myself nearly hit by car several times, reason? Absent minded and hesitation...

Yes, we all know that being absent minded while crossing the street will do you no good. This may lead you to hospital or death.

Hesistation. I might get hit by a car if I decide to move forward and afterwards move backward.... that wouldnt do me any good too...

Same goes with life... if I decided to do something I really want to do i shouldnt hesistate and move backwards because all my effort from the start will be meaningless.... I shouldn't think of anything else but my goal...

Dont move backward just go on with the flow... I know life is hard but once you cope up with it... you can say, "Life is Hard But Happy"

fear factor

2006-06-19T09:39:00.000+08:00

ive met my long lost friend last saturday.. together with my other friends.... i've told them i was invited to attend a party.... i love to come to a party after all its been so long since i attend a party... but i am hesistant to come.... why? cause there is a chance that i will see those two.

they've told me i shouldn't be the one who awkward because i didn't do anything bad to them... well... that gave me an idea... after all... they are right i didn't do anything bad to them besides the host invited me...

hmm... perhaps this will be better... facing my fears and other stuff... if i dont face all my fears then... it will chase me for the rest of my life am i right?

i know everything will be fine... it will... with the help of my friends and with my own will to help myself...and of course GOD hinself will help me...

here you lies...

2006-06-14T09:11:00.000+08:00

ive found myself crying again... and there's a song in my mind i keep on hearing... you are familiar with this song... and its been my favorite song since college.... HOW COULD AN ANGEL BREAK MY HEART by Toni Braxton..

yeah... i ve been wondering how could he break my heart like that... and same goes with the song... ive been thinking about it too...

i should be the one he caress, i should be the one he hug and other stuff like that... i know i told them that im alright... yes i am alright but i can still feel the pain inside me... perhaps.. deep within my soul... deep within me i want us to be together again... but i need to waive off that thinking cause it will do me no good... i only end up m iserable and bitter... and i dont want to be bitter.. i want to be happy.

but now... since i decided to live my life again... i will find my happiness... im not that easy to kill. everytime i feel pain, everytime i have a near death experience... i will become stronger... i will!

but for now... here you lies in my heart... until i forgot my feelings for you... until that time...

Welcome me here!

2006-06-14T08:36:00.000+08:00

wow! welcome me here people! im new here... well... this sounds to be the real me... i mean.. ive been missing a lot this past few years...

you know, games, internet, blogs and other stuff... i love read people's blog but i cant do that in friendster cause some of the blog there are not intereseted to read at.. anyway, this will be my first and official blog from now on... wahehehehehe... watch out people cause i will rant everything i want here... hehehehehe... ja na minna!