farewell gift...

what a farewell gift...


an officemate told my boss that i didnt help her doing our report... how can she say that!

i was waiting for her to tell what im gonna do... cause i dont know what to put to that report....besides... she's always absent! how could she! put the blame in me...

everytime she asked me to edit and print the report... i immediately do it....

ggrrrr.. it pisses me off....

anyway, i thank my boss for a lunch farewell he set up for me and my officemate.

other half

i feel my blood rushing through my vein. suddenly, i cant breath...

then a snap! im back to my senses.... i saw this girl standing in front of me... staring at me... as if her eyes are asking... "what are you doing?"

what's this? i can't look directly to her eyes. as if this girl is reading my soul... slowly... she approach me... i step back... im afraid of her... im afraid of her to get near me...

as she walk one step closer to me... i take two step backward... and the last step... its a dead end...

i told her to stay away from me... i told her i want to be alone....she hold me... and hug me... and i can feel her warm body... then she told me.... "cry my dear... cry as much as you want... if you can shout... shout it all out.... i know its been hard for you to keep all of this pain inside you. dont hold back... crying is not a sign of weakness. cry it out loud"

but i told her, "i cant cry. i dont know why i cant do it."

suddenly, i feel a cold breeze in my body... she's gone. but i know... she will be back... after all... she's me.

somehow, i feel alone again... im like a baby inside my mom's womb.. alone and cold in the dark... a spot of light was there but i was afraid to go there... i was afraid that i might not be able to handle that light... i am afraid to grab the light and fail.

right now... although im back from retreat... and my mind and body has been refresh... and i know what im gonna do... but still... i cant do it.

time is love....

hhhaaayyy.... i and my friend have a misunderstanding recently... ok a few minutes ago...

i was hurt when she said "i know you wont understand" its funny... does she really think i wouldnt understand her? o well... it was her opinion after all... she has a right to say whats on her mind... but still... nasaktan ako...

for all those times she's with me and said things to me.... does she think... does she think i didnt understand her at all??

yes i do understand her why she do that thing... cause i've done it so many times.... kasi nga naman bakit ko pa papahirapan ang sarili ko e dun din naman yun... i've done that so many times....

for me, time is a very important matter... time is not equivalent to money....

sabi nila... ang mga taong hindi makapagbigay syo ng oras nila... they tend to bribe you using money. buy things, gifts, flowers, treat you.. thats the reason why... people said... time=money.

time is a very important... i know you can never bring back time... but if you know how to handle your time.... it wasnt a waste...

time is love... you spent time for your love one.... and spending time to your love ones bring you closer together. people's transformation doesnt occur in just one snap... it also takes time.

back from retreat!

hei yah! how you guys doin'? just got from retreat... SWR Retreat at Villa Julia Silang Cavite...

we've got a great talk... and ive got a nice and sweet roommates... val and chiqui... they are so nice!

o well... the most favorite part of the retreat i love most was the talk taming of tongue... and the last talk... overcoming difficulties outside the community...

i found sister ahyenn a good speaker.... nakakatuwa kasi very realistic ang mga exmaples niya... and bro xernan... i found him very talented too...

i learned so much from this retereat.. from emotions and other spitual aspect... syempre dagdag mo na ang mga kalokohan at new words na natutunan ko courtesy of mike! HOPIA!!

and there's a creepy things happened there too!!

may "bumisita" sa last day namin dun!!!! pauwi na kami nun bumisita pa siya.. creepy huh?!

oh! another thing, we create a letter for our future husband.... and.... we sealed it with crayon.. melted crayon... and i decided to give it to him when i married him... so he will know.... i've been waiting for him to find me... and ive been praying to god for him all this time... ^___^ sweet isnt it?

to everybody who's beautiful

i've found this one at my inbox... a friend of mine forwarded it to me....

she's one of my cute friend... and has an angelic face too... so here it is... enjoy reading... though it is in our mother tongue... in filipino..

"Para sa Mga Magaganda!!!!"


Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin.
Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at
tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?" Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako
nagsawa. Natauhan lang." Pwede mo kong lokohin pero
wag kang magpapahuli sakin. Pwede mo kong palitan
pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede
mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag
ako sobrang nasaktan, wala ka nang babalikan.

Ang Boys? Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno
hanggang pumorma na.Tapos pag nahulog ka na,
ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang
iiyak at smile lang tayo. Punyeta, anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn't shed too
much tears nor did I ask him to love me again.
Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Ganyan talaga
ang magaganda! Hindi bagay sa tanga!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka,
mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin.
Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga, iiyakan mo pa?

Pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo, wag mo siyang sisihin!
Kausapin mo siya ng harap-harapan at sabihin mong,
"Ingat, tanga ka pa naman!"

Masakit pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo. Pero wag kang
magagalit ng husto. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan
naman kayo, diba? Kaya for the last time
yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo, "Gago, kukulamin kita!"

Girls, talo daw sayo sa mga boys? Papayag kayo? Sige,
pag niligawan tayo, sagot agad. Pag iniwan tayo? Ok
lang. Kapag sinabi nilang, "Uy, ex ko."

Alam niyo sagot diyan? "Ay, ambisyoso."

If the one you love doesn't love you back, don't get
depressed. Just think about it for a while, maybe cry
a bit then wipe your tears and say, "Ang weird naman
niya. Di siya pumapatol sa magaganda!"

You only got one life so live it well., one heart so
take good care, one soul so keep it pure. One
boyfriend? What a waste! Make it two or more!

Sayang ganda natin!
Pag sinabi sayo ng mahal mo na ayaw na niya sayo,
hayaan mo lang. Wag kang iiyak at magpapakagago!
Imbis na iyakan mo siya, ngitian mo lang at sabihin mo
ang ganito, "So, pano? Bye na! Naghihintay na ang kapalit mo!"

Who cares about break-ups? Oo nga, masakit. Makirot sa
puso. Pero tandaan mo: a break-up isn't only an end
to a relationship. It's also a beginning of a new one
and an end to a living hell called "ex".

a dot of light shine in the darkness....

last night... i've got a chance to talked to caski...

his words really sooth in my mind.... its like a cape that protected me.... and... its nice to hear it... so nice....

it calms my mind... and it calms my heart.... he even asked me to cry it out.. to cry it out loud... cause... he said... crying is not a sign of weakness... a pain like that wont hurt me but make me stronger...

he doesnt want me to end someone we both know.... he want me to shout my pain.

but although i want to shout it out... although i want to cry it out so hard... i cant find a right place where no one will bother me while im doing it....

i cant thank him enough for those comforting words... perhaps... thats what ive been looking for in the first place... a shoulder i can cry for... a comforting words... someone who will protect me... and i can see it in him.... and to alvin as well...


all this time ive been protecting everybody.. ive been protecting people so dear to me.... i dont have a grudge on that or a regret about that.. cause i really do love to protect them.... and since, that talked... that conversation.... i realized even heroes need to be protected.... even heroes need hero.

and it felt so good.... it felt so good...

i cant thank the two of them enough... ill go out with caski... thats my way of saying thank you... ill try to smile and made my self better for alvin and to others who worry for me...

while i cant recover, will you be there for me?? will you be my shield? will you be my companion while im saying all my pain? i hope you will... i hope you will....

alone in the desert

have you ever experience waking up one day and found out you have nothing? nothing to look forward too... nothing to go to... nothing... as in nothing....

then suddenly, all you can do is to run... run as much as possible...

after running... you will realize you are all alone.... the environment you see is not familiar to you.... and suddenly there's a snap! you run so fast and you realize to yourself that you keep on running but dont have a definite destination.... you wanted to go back but can't go back because you didnt remember where you from.... in other words... you lost....

you wanted to call out for help but no one is there, you are all alone... and you can depend only to yourself in order to survive, in order to live.

someday, there will be someone who will pass by, who will help you go back to where you from. someone who can give you a hitch so he can return you to a place where everyone's waiting for you to return.

if that time comes, you will realize you were wrong... you have everything... you just dont see right through it.

drawning into darkness

darkness started to drawn me to eat me... inside out... ive been thinking of casting a spell..... perhaps i already did cast a spell unconciously...

i cant hardly see the light... or perhaps... i dont want to see the light... the light that can give me hope, strength... i've been here.... all along... here in the dark.... and nobody found me... perhaps... somebody is looking for me... but that person didnt look further... or perhaps i dont want to be found.

pain, sadness... ive been a slave of these feeling for a long time.... and i want to be free by these unwanted emotions... by these negative emotions that i have....

i want somebody who can bring a light here.... a light that i can see...a kind of the light that i can see even if i close my eyes... i want somebody who can pull me out of the darkness and even if i went back in here... he can still find me and look for me....

please... please find me.... and bring the light back in me... please...

my maple.. ^_^

finally!! i've got a chance to take a screen shot of my dear character in maplesea... hehehehe... that me... the kamatarichan character.. ^_^

i breakdown...

last night... i received a friendster meesage from a friend of mine saying the reason why im sad because i've red the testimonial of my ex to his gf...

i freak out and said it isnt my concern anymore and worse... i dont care!! i even told her i didn't even bother to red that girl's testimonial eversince i discovered that.... that... since i discovered their "affair"!

i breakdown and tell her to leave me alone and i dont want to listen to anything she has to say especially if about them...

i was mad... and upto now... guess i am... a boy friend of mine asked me last night about some stuff and i was mad at him, i really freak out.... and... i can see... still... i am affected to those things.... things.... that can bring back memories of their "treachery"... o men.. did i say those things?? treachery?? >_<

am i mean am i?? i sound bitter am i??

Bitter.... Sweet... Rain

well... well... well... what have we have here? when i wake up this morning... there's a sudden quote flashback in my mind... quotes of boys be... have seen that anime?

you see... in every episode there's a quote flash before it start... and the one that i've been thinking of this morning was this quote...

"Nobody can stop the flow of time, but a moment captured in the frame of the heart will never disappear. That will shown at the bottom of their hearts will always give off a great feeling... sweet... and bitter"


the reason why i remeber this one was the thought that my ex and i never had a picture.... we've been in each other's company for about... let me see... five years and everytime we always forgot to take our picture everytime e planned it....

although we dont have a picture.... i still become a part of his memory.... a memory which can be deleted or cant be torn into pieces....memory stays forever... and he and i have a picture of each other in our memory... in our history... in our story.... in our life that will stay forever.

it was raining here... its been a week since it start raining here... and rain... brings back memories... bitter... sweet.... happy... sad... success and failure..

aww man...

an officemate told me a few minutes ago that she saw "my bf's" picture... i corrected here, i told her he isnt my bf he's my ex-bf.... and i've shown the picture of his new gf... i thought it was alright for me to see their faces... but when i saw the girl's picture... and her status... "in relationship" in her friendster profile said... suddenly i feel pain....

and now... i m wondering... am i really alright? i've seen their picture.. they are happy.... very happy in each other arms... isnt that what i wanted from the start? their happiness?? but why do i feel pain?? but why do i feel like crying? im still affected.... and... i still.... love.... him....

and... this song.. keep on playing in my mind...




i can relate to this song...

" ikitai yo kimi no tokoro e imasugu kakedashite ikitai yo
makkura de nani mo mienai kowakutemo daijoubo
kazoekirenai hoshizora ga ima mo zutto koko ni aru n' dayo
nakaranai yo mukashi kimi to mita kirei na sora datta kara"

" i want to go to where you are
i want to see right now and go to you
in darkness, i wont be able to see
and though is scary, i'll be fine
the countless stars are here with me now, as they always have been.
i wont cry, because this was the beautiful sky that
i watched with you so long ago."

farewell my free work

i received a rumor a few minutes ago saying i was about to end my contract here at barip... so much for my almost happy and free life here... o well... perhaps they dont need me here besides i do enjoy my job here. i will stay here at bagtikan until this month... whew! so soon huh?!

next month... the start of my misery... people there are worst than here... >_< it's like im in military school.. you we're lucky if you can play a mp3 there... and the worse thing... there's no internet there! wwaaahh!! and ill come to office even on saturday... how sad... so sad...

so... farewell my free work... i will miss you... i will always miss you... T_T

Correction

That's our topic for our House Hold last Saturday... and it made me realize on many things.... God knows when and how to correct you... to correct us... just like our parents... painful but it will strike us.

for me, as long as you can't pass the exam that was given to you, you will continue to retake that exam... same goes with our trials... as long as we didnt get the lesson for the trials then the history will repeat itself.. in that way God Correct us...

Painful but the outcome will be fruitfull.. so be thankful to anybody if they correct you..

God knows when was the time I need him

Last night Ive seen my mama listening to radio... (YES FM 101.1 Alam mo na yan!) and the DJ there was giving an advice to a girl... im not the type of girl who listen to the advice of the DJ in radio... the advice was caught me off guard... I suddenly asked my mama what was the girl's problem.. and she told me this...

This girl has a boyfriend... in two years they've been with each others arms... but suddenly... this girl found out that his bf has a new girlfriend and sadly it was her bestfriend.

O well, im not the only one it told to myself, as I listened to the DJ's advice, he told the girl.. "you need to confront them and ask them why they do it? Ask your bestfriend too... tell her how could she hurt you if she really is your bestfriend... if you can't confront them personally, write a letter to them and tell everything you want to say for them... but in a polite manner... tell them you can forgive them... but that will take time. Tell them you wished happiness for them. you have to forgive them fully so you can move on... you have to move on and go on with your life, look at this way they are happy in their situation but there you are feeling pity and miserable in yourself.. so you have to move on." Then the DJ played this song...

Saison Ella Mae Lyrics - Till My Heartaches End Lyrics

i recall when you said that you would never leave me
you told me more so much more like when the time you whispered
in my ear there was heaven in my heart
i remember when you said that youd be here forever
then you left without even saying that youre leaving
i was hurt and it really wont be easy to forget
yesterday and i pray that you would stay
but then youre gone and oh so far away

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurtin from within
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe ill just dream of you tonight
and if into my dream you come and touch me once again
ill just keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

and then you left without even saying that youre leaving
i was hurt and it really wont be easy to forget
yesterday and i pray that you would stay
but then youre gone and oh so far away

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurtin from within
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe ill just dream of you tonight
and if into my dream you come and touch me once again
ill just keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

i was afraid this time would come
i wasnt prepared to face this kind of hurtin from within
i have learned to live my life beside you
maybe ill just dream of you tonight
and if into my dream you come and touch me once again
ill just keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

keep on dreaming
till my heartaches end

As I listened to the song... I can say to myself that I did the right thing... and the DJ is right... they are happy and here I am feeling miserable. Day by day... I feel much better.. perhaps GOD allow me to listen to the DJ's advice so HE can tell me that I did the right thing and I still have a future ahead of me... I need to look forward.

random thoughts

hhmmm... loneliness strike me again last night? i dunno why.. and somehow.. again... i feel miserable... i pity myself... huh?!

and at some point of "crying time" i thought about this girl... we're friends... yes we are.... and we could have been a very good friends if the situation is different... we could have been friends if this boy didnt court her... if she didnt entertain this boy.

she told me before... (the day i found out they we're dating) she can sacrifice for our friendship... so i will be happy... that's a crap! eventhough she sacrifice her happiness i wouldnt be happy... that wouldnt change the fact that this boy is inlove with her.... i can have this boy's company but i can never have his heart...

i dont want to be a lame person.... i dont want to destroy our friendship for that kind of boy... well... i know... somehow.. there is a gap between us... but i will patch up this things with her... she's a wonderful person... i know... cause i know her....


"..pityness is nxt 2 chakaness!" a text message from a very dear friend of mine.... i dont want to be chaka (ugly)... i like to stay cute as much as possible NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO BECAUSE I WANT TO.

"love is not a feeling alone... because feeling can betray us" that is sssooo true! love is not feeling alone... because if you use your feeling as a basis of love... then sooner or later you will fall out of love... feelings may be fade away... but love will not fade away...

now do you see the difference? in relationship... love is not the only ingredients to have a fruitful relationship... you need friends, you need trust, honesty and i guess everything will be added into it... both of you need to grow in relationship... you don't need to be compatible in all aspect... just one compatibility is enough... cause who knows... your differences are blessing itself... you will learn from each other and both of you will cover up your flaws and your weaknesses... you strength become his strength.

so be thankful for all of it... be thankful not because its over... be thankful cause it happen and you learn something from it.