other half

i feel my blood rushing through my vein. suddenly, i cant breath...

then a snap! im back to my senses.... i saw this girl standing in front of me... staring at me... as if her eyes are asking... "what are you doing?"

what's this? i can't look directly to her eyes. as if this girl is reading my soul... slowly... she approach me... i step back... im afraid of her... im afraid of her to get near me...

as she walk one step closer to me... i take two step backward... and the last step... its a dead end...

i told her to stay away from me... i told her i want to be alone....she hold me... and hug me... and i can feel her warm body... then she told me.... "cry my dear... cry as much as you want... if you can shout... shout it all out.... i know its been hard for you to keep all of this pain inside you. dont hold back... crying is not a sign of weakness. cry it out loud"

but i told her, "i cant cry. i dont know why i cant do it."

suddenly, i feel a cold breeze in my body... she's gone. but i know... she will be back... after all... she's me.

somehow, i feel alone again... im like a baby inside my mom's womb.. alone and cold in the dark... a spot of light was there but i was afraid to go there... i was afraid that i might not be able to handle that light... i am afraid to grab the light and fail.

right now... although im back from retreat... and my mind and body has been refresh... and i know what im gonna do... but still... i cant do it.